I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
