went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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