Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
