I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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