god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
