I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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