I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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