these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
