If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
