so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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