dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
