Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
