she woke up with a sticky ear
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
