maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
