I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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