Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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