i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
