hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
