I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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