The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
40s are totally the cure
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
