Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The power of my boobs compel you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
