it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
