im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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