My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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