My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
