It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
did i walk over a car last night?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
