So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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