I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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