She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
