We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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