this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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