I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
