I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
