Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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