Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize