so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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