just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
