I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
