I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
