i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
