Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
