just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm, like, this ðŸ¤ðŸ¼ close to buying crocs
And you're also ðŸ¤ðŸ¼ to never putting your dick inside me again
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