woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
