im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
