i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
