my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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