im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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