How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
