So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
