DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
