Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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