I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
