What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
