First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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