My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
