Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
