I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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