He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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